5. Stephanie and Fez
They’d meet at some summer dance camp. Fez would invite Stephanie to Foreman’s basement and her life would never be the same. She’d get introduced to weed, then Crystal Meth, then lookout. She’d have to take up stripping to pay her dealer. As fate would have it, her dance background comes in handy as horny businessmen come from all around to see her famous pole move, “The Tanner Twister.” (By the way, if you don’t know what actually became of Jodie Sweetin, look it up. Yikes!)
4. Robot from Rocky IV and Conky 2000
After Paulie reprograms her, she becomes the robot Demi Moore. Striptease-era Demi Moore I might add. Conky has an insane-o vocabulary and knows how to have a good time with the “Word of the Day”. I really have no other reasons other than they are both robots. I suppose I could have picked Vicki from “Small Wonder” but that’s like robot statutory. (I know Rocky IV is a movie and not a TV show. Rank Fu follows no rules)
3. Samantha and Thing
Let’s see. She’s a nympho-cougar and he’s a subservient hand. I don’t want to get too graphic, but you get the idea.
2. Hilary and B.A. Baracus
Now, I ain’t saying she a gold digga, but she ain’t messing with no broke… Hilary needs a man with style and, most important, money. BA Baracus has both. How else could he have afforded all that gold jewelry? Die Hard 3 should have been about Hans Gruber’s brother stealing Baracus’ jewelry box.
1. Janet and Quagmire
Ahh Janet. The totally ignored, completely uninteresting and less-than-plain looking member of “Three’s Company.” There are plenty of second fiddles in TV history, but I can’t think of one that brought less to the table than Janet. You knew she wasn’t going to get the attention that Chrissy got, but she couldn’t even run with the Chrissy wanna-be’s Terri and Cindy. Remember that one episode where Janet wore that blonde wig the whole time? Just SCREAMING for attention. Imagine if you were a regular at the Regal Beagle. You’re looking to have some fun and it’s getting late. What’s going to cross your mind? “Well, there’s always Janet.” Then you’d regret it the next day and avoid the Beagle for a good year. I don’t even think Larry got with Janet, and I’m pretty sure he schtupped Mrs. Roper once or twice when he couldn't make rent. But you know who would get with Janet? Quagmire. She’d put up with the fact that he’s 2 dimensional. And frankly, he'll take anything. Did I mention her last name is Wood? Giggidy.
Fu For Thought: Furley vs. Roper
Everyone likes to argue Coach vs. Woody. It's a fun discussion, but I think Woody is funnier and the shows with Woody were way funnier. I think the better battle is Mr. Furley vs Mr. Roper.
Both were quirky landlords. Both had an oddball sense of humor. I go back and forth on this all the time. I have a soft spot for Mr. Roper. A former co-worker astutely pointed out that I tend to make the same face as Mr. Roper when I laugh at my own jokes. I just think Mr. Furley was better over all. Goofy, pseudo-macho and crazy sense of style. Although I never understood why he had such an issue with Jack being "gay" considering the man himself always wore ascot ties.
In the end, I'm a Furley guy.
