Rank Fu

Good Will Hunting

2010-02-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

I’ve probably seen the movie “Good Will Hunting” a gajillion times. I can never turn it off when it’s on TV and it’s a good flight movie. It’s smart, funny, awesome use of Elliott Smith, very quotable. I think we’ve all wanted to use that “Apples” line and not sound like a jackass. But there are a few things about the movie that have come to annoy me over the years. So here’s the Rank Fu Top 5 things that bug me about “Good Will Hunting”.

5. Will’s a dick

Will and Skylar go on their first date to a quaint little knick-knack store owned by a sweet old lady. When trying to impress Skylar, he shows her a magic trick that results in throwing a bunch of caramels on the floor. Not only does he not buy the caramels, but he makes a huge fucking mess that the sweet old lady has to clean up. What the hell, Will??? Will’s last job was as a freaking janitor too! It’s like he got sick of cleaning up other people’s messes at MIT so starts the vicious cycle of being carelessly messy at this lady's store. Dick.

4. Caramels?

While we’re on the topic of caramels, what’s with Will’s caramel line after getting Skylar’s number? Sklyar: “Hey, call me. Let’s get some coffee sometime.” Will: “Ok… or maybe we can get some caramels instead. It’s just as arbitrary.” Skylar: “Uh…. Ok…?” That should have been a deal breaker right there. He had a monumental “Gawdon Wood-Vickuhs” rant against the Harvard douche only to tear down all credibility by offering to go for caramels. The first rant was genius and timely and nailed the situation. The caramel line was a failed attempt to be observational and clever. And he already got her number! C’mon Will, you’re a genius. Act like it.

3. Asian guy

As an Asian guy, it’s often tough to watch movies. We never get cool roles. We get crap background roles like in “Good Will Hunting.” Look at the guy in this screen grab: Harvard douche’s lackey. All impressed with the “economic modalities” line and what not. C’mon man. That shit wasn’t funny, even to a nerd. Grow a sack. I can just imagine the casting for this scene. Casting guy 1: “Who would be in Harvard douche’s crew?” Casting guy 2: “Hmmm, definitely a clean-cut Asian guy with glasses.” Casting guy 1: “Yup.” By the way, why couldn’t Will run with an Asian guy? I mean seriously, if Will’s THAT smart, he’d need another intellectual guy to bounce ideas off of, right? Will’s love of math would eventually lead him to an Asian guy. (Yes, I used an Asian stereotype against my people. I’m smart enough to realize that. I could run with Will. Just sayin’.)

2. Judge’s Hair

I don’t think I have to say much about this. I’ll let the screengrab speak for itself.

1. High Five

I have a hard time believing Will would EVER give a high five after solving a math theorem let alone a whip around high five-low five combo. Gimme a break. Lambeau would do it. So would his TA bitch Tom. In fact, I could see Lambeau and Tom getting excited because they found out TI-92’s were on sale, then try to high five and miss horrendously like Tiger Woods and his caddy do after a big shot. And has anyone noticed this high five is eerily similar to the homoerotic volleyball high five from “Top Gun”? It’s like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck said, “Let’s recreate that Top Gun volleyball scene… except let’s do it for nerds.” What the Top Gun volleyball scene was for girls of the 80s, the Will-Lambeau theorem-solving scene is for gay dudes at Cal Tech. BOOM! Take that Cal Tech.

Fu for Thought

I mentioned earlier that I like to watch "Good Will Hunting" on flights. There aren't any nudity or lewd scenes that I would be embarrassed about having on my screen that someone could catch a glimpse of. Am I the only who picks flight movies based on this? I remember wanting to watch "The Wire" on a plane but I got too embarrassed about some of the sex scenes. I had to keep a quick trigger on the minimize button. Am I going overboard? I mean people should just be minding their own business and not paying attention to my computer, but for some reason I need to keep it clean. Yeah... I'm lame.

Inter-Show Hookups

2009-03-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

The first 2 rankings I came up with were about topics I’ve given a decent amount of thought to. This one is totally random. Have you ever thought that two characters on different shows would be good for each other? No, you say? OK since you actually have a life, I’ve done the work for you. Here’s my best attempt at becoming a television Yente… the Rank Fu Top 5 Inter-Show Hookups (that would have been awesome).

5. Stephanie and Fez

They’d meet at some summer dance camp. Fez would invite Stephanie to Foreman’s basement and her life would never be the same. She’d get introduced to weed, then Crystal Meth, then lookout. She’d have to take up stripping to pay her dealer. As fate would have it, her dance background comes in handy as horny businessmen come from all around to see her famous pole move, “The Tanner Twister.” (By the way, if you don’t know what actually became of Jodie Sweetin, look it up. Yikes!)

4. Robot from Rocky IV and Conky 2000

After Paulie reprograms her, she becomes the robot Demi Moore. Striptease-era Demi Moore I might add. Conky has an insane-o vocabulary and knows how to have a good time with the “Word of the Day”. I really have no other reasons other than they are both robots. I suppose I could have picked Vicki from “Small Wonder” but that’s like robot statutory. (I know Rocky IV is a movie and not a TV show. Rank Fu follows no rules)

3. Samantha and Thing

Let’s see. She’s a nympho-cougar and he’s a subservient hand. I don’t want to get too graphic, but you get the idea.

2. Hilary and B.A. Baracus

Now, I ain’t saying she a gold digga, but she ain’t messing with no broke… Hilary needs a man with style and, most important, money. BA Baracus has both. How else could he have afforded all that gold jewelry? Die Hard 3 should have been about Hans Gruber’s brother stealing Baracus’ jewelry box.

1. Janet and Quagmire

Ahh Janet. The totally ignored, completely uninteresting and less-than-plain looking member of “Three’s Company.” There are plenty of second fiddles in TV history, but I can’t think of one that brought less to the table than Janet. You knew she wasn’t going to get the attention that Chrissy got, but she couldn’t even run with the Chrissy wanna-be’s Terri and Cindy. Remember that one episode where Janet wore that blonde wig the whole time? Just SCREAMING for attention. Imagine if you were a regular at the Regal Beagle. You’re looking to have some fun and it’s getting late. What’s going to cross your mind? “Well, there’s always Janet.” Then you’d regret it the next day and avoid the Beagle for a good year. I don’t even think Larry got with Janet, and I’m pretty sure he schtupped Mrs. Roper once or twice when he couldn't make rent. But you know who would get with Janet? Quagmire. She’d put up with the fact that he’s 2 dimensional. And frankly, he'll take anything. Did I mention her last name is Wood? Giggidy.

Fu For Thought: Furley vs. Roper

Everyone likes to argue Coach vs. Woody. It's a fun discussion, but I think Woody is funnier and the shows with Woody were way funnier. I think the better battle is Mr. Furley vs Mr. Roper.

Both were quirky landlords. Both had an oddball sense of humor. I go back and forth on this all the time. I have a soft spot for Mr. Roper. A former co-worker astutely pointed out that I tend to make the same face as Mr. Roper when I laugh at my own jokes. I just think Mr. Furley was better over all. Goofy, pseudo-macho and crazy sense of style. Although I never understood why he had such an issue with Jack being "gay" considering the man himself always wore ascot ties.

In the end, I'm a Furley guy.

Kevin Arnold's Babes

2009-03-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

I decided last week to make my next ranking about "The Wonder Years" hero, Kevin Arnold, and his unlikely and amazing resume of lady friends. His dating resume is rivaled only by Derek Jeter and John Mayer. Then wouldn't you know, BAM! Danica McKellar a.k.a. Winnie Cooper gets married! Crazy eh? So here we go with the Rank Fu Top 5 Kevin Arnold Babes. (Side note: after writing this ranking, I feel like a total perv considering how old I am but in my defense, when I first saw these episodes I was only 10. So consider these the thoughts of me as a 10 year old)

5. Sandy

How do you get back at your older brother after years of relentless torment? Hook up with his smoking hot girlfriend. She was hot, fun to be around, and had a great sense of humor. Looks like Ol' Butthead got one over on Wayne.

4. Denise "the Grease"

I would have ranked her higher but she ended up sticking with her loser boyfriend, Frank "the Stank." You know down the road she's going to end up hating him for not letting her pursue her love of poetry. But I did like when she kept calling Kevin, Calvin.

3. Lisa Berlini

I'm not gonna lie, Kevin played this one right. Charmed her with jokes, gave her the right amount of effort, flirted via in-class notes and got her to go to the dance. Well, until Zack Morris stole here away. I'm not kidding either. Mark Paul Gosselaar played the kid who got Lisa. Just tip your cap, Kev. You got outclassed by Preppie. Not the first, certainly not the last. Just ask Mario Lopez.

2. Cara

Cara represents a lot of things. A bad ass girl. Someone not named Winnie. And most of all, the reason to go on a family vacation. I had always hoped to find a Cara on my vacations as a youth. Best I can boast is spilling a soda on a girl in an arcade in Ocean City. OK, I can't even boast that.

1. Madeline

I can't believe Kevin left this girl to go crawling back to Winnie. What a moron. She was throwing herself at him and he was just using her to make Winnie jealous. You know, maybe Madeline was just too eager. Every dude likes a chase, and Kevin for some unknown reason was having insane success in his young dating life so maybe I can understand him being so dismissive with her. Maybe her aggression led to his lack of interest. Naah, I don't buy it. He's an idiot. To me, the real "wonder" in "The Wonder Years" is that Kevin let Madeline and the rest go for Winnie Cooper. You threw it all away, Kev. You threw it all away.
By the way, according to IMDB, the actress who played Madeline was 20 years old when she was chasing Kevin, and he was 14. BALLA!
And don't forget Madeline provided us with this scene.

Honorable Mention
Miss White

OK fine, they never actually hooked up. But, you know she had a thing for Kevin and I have a thing for cougars.

Fu For Thought: The Case Against Winnie Cooper
You may have noticed I left Winnie off the list, but can anyone really disagree? Especially considering who I left off the list: Alicia Silverstone, Kelly Packard, an, ahem, *attention* getting Punky Brewster, and about a gajillion others. Besides, am I the only one who thinks Winnie got less cute in high school? She looks better now as an adult, but she seemed to lose her cuteness after junior high.

Not to mention, she kept dicking Kevin around.

C'mon Winnie. He's a person with feelings who's head over heels for you by the way. You just strung him along instead of being upfront with your feelings. To quote Dolores O'Riordan: You had him wrapped around your finger-ah-ha-ha. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger?

Remember when he went to the country club to be with her and she didn't have the balls to tell him about her lifeguard boyfriend? It was gut-wrenching to watch Kevin find out about them by watching them kiss, especially after his triumph at the poker table. Then of course he went on to lose it all the next night. Just a downward spiral of events that all could have been prevented if Winnie were just up front with him.

A life lesson to us all: sometimes when you Winnie, you actually lose.

Cobra Kai

2009-03-16T16:57:00.001-07:00

I had a great discussion with some friends about one of the greatest movies, "The Karate Kid." We all know that Johnny Lawrence is the top dog of the Cobra Kai dojo, but how does 2-5 go? Here's the Rank Fu Top 5 Cobra Kai's plus, since it's March Madness time, I included a tourney breakdown of Daniel's run to glory.

5. Jerry
I picked Jerry solely because he went on to become one of the finest javelin throwers in the history of collegiate track and field. In fact, I like to think Jerry and Lamar Latrell (Revenge of the Nerds) are not just played by the same actor, but they are actually the same character. Here's my theory: Jerry's father wanted him to participate in competitive sports, fearing he is a homosexual, so he enlisted him in the most macho place in the world: the Cobra Kai dojo. It is in his rigorous training that Jerry discovers he is indeed a homosexual and realizes karate doesn't fit well with his limp-wristed punching style. He continues his karate training to keep up the facade of heterosexuality and to maintain the respect of his father, but then comes out of the closet after graduating high school. Jerry then announces he now prefers to be called by his middle name, Lamar, as his old name only reminds him of painful lies and unsettling confusion. Lamar goes off to Adams College as a new man, liberated from the burden of his past.

4. Tommy
I can't stand this guy. He's a total lackey to Johnny, he sucks at karate but he still runs his mouth. He is the Damon Jones of Southern California Karate. His look in this pic says it all. He knows he's going to get his ass kicked in this match and let down his dojo. What a bitch!

3. Bobby
It's hard for me to like Bobby, the guy just can't make up his mind. I'm a bad guy, I'm a nice guy, I cheat in karate tournaments then I feel bad about it. I'll give him #3 for making the Final Four of the All Valley tournament with a decent shot at the finals if not for John Chaney-esque goon tactics from Sensei Kreese. He needs to find an identity.

2. Dutch
He's got that swagger of Dylan McKay from 90210 with the roundhouse kick of a young Chuck Norris. He's also like tennis pro David Nalbandian in that he possesses all the talent to be the All Valley champ but he doesn't have the mental edge of a true winner.

1. Johnny
No arguing this. If you do then you are the enemy and deserve no mercy. Just look at the man crush emanating from Bobby in the background. That look of admiration is only given to a leader.

Honorable Rank Fu mention:
"Dennis"

I have no idea what this character's real name is but doesn't he remind you of the fat kid from "Head of the Class"?

This Guy

This guy is pretty bad ass. Took care of business all the way to the Final Four then got beat by Johnny. You know Sensei Kreese would love to have him in Cobra Kai gear. He's looking at him in this pic like Rich Rodriguez looks at Terrelle Pryor... the one that got away.

Fu For Thought: An In-Depth Look at the All Valley Karate Championship

Who was in the committee that seeded the All Valley tournament? Most likely a former member of Cobra Kai. The guy above is clearly awesome but at BEST could have been seeded 4th. He's definitely right behind Johnny. By my deduction, The Top 4 seeds in this tourney were 1. Johnny 2. Bobby 3. Dutch 4. Awesome Guy. Dutch and Bobby could be flip flopped, but in the "You're the Best Around" montage, they show Bobby throughout, giving the impression that he's the 2 seed. The top 3 out of 128 are Cobra Kai??? It's like Dick Vitale made the seedings and Cobra Kai is Duke.

If you look back at the fight montage, you see Daniel's win over Johnny in the final is his 7th win of the day meaning the tournament had 128 fighters. Daniel walks up and signs up for the tourney that day... Shouldn't a guy who's never been in a tourney before be seeded 128??? Meaning technically he should be facing Johnny in round 1. I suppose there could have been other walk-ins.

Based on the research I've done, I would say it's most likely that Daniel was the #118 ranked fighter in the tournament. I narrowed Daniel to a certain pod and gave him the lowest seed available. I do make some assumptions: the top 4 are Johnny, Bobby, Dutch and Awesome Guy; there are no upsets, except when dealing with Daniel; this tournament is straight-forward ie no pool play or byes.

Here's how I see Daniel's road to the the All Valley Championship:

First Round- Huge upset over #11 ranked fighter, some dude who came out aggressive but fell for the old okee-doke and got caught with a kick to the bread basket. Then Daniel puts him away with an Austin Powers like Judo Chop. Weak performance for the #11 overall fighter.
Second Round- Takes out his first Cobra Kai rival, #54 ranked Jerry. In my scenario, Jerry actually won a match then mailed it in vs Daniel. I think he felt bad for Daniel because he knows what it's like to be different... explanation above.
Third Round- Beats up some Scrub Cobra Kai ranked #22 with a block and attack.
Fourth Round- Dominates #6 Tommy. Tommy is 6th???? Overrated douche. Worst. Seeding. Ever.
Quarterfinals- Edges #3 Dutch even after getting kicked right in the face.
Semifinals- Wins by DQ over #2 Bobby. Bobby then tries to turn his life around by becoming a Big Brother at the local rec center. He gets fired for assaulting some of the kids and goes crawling back to Sensei Kreese to take him back.
Finals- Survives getting his leg swept and finishes #1 seed Johnny with the indefensible Crane Kick.

Daniel basically pulled a 1997 Arizona by beating 3 virtual #1 seeds. Hell of a run, Daniel.